He was reflecting on how sitting at bedside works on people and how dying can be more challenging for the living.
His recent experience with a patient's death from metastatic breast cancer brought him back to a moment in his personal life when he faced similar circumstances. A moment that catalyzed his choice to become a doctor. He felt like his life had come full circle.
He shared that his experience made him look into the more profound implications of the relationship between life and death. "Death, in many ways, ignites new life for the ones left behind."
Bedside
it’s one month before the New Year begins
when I step into the room
but in the ICU
the limbs of time
aren't so defined
"when" — is a question the living dare not ask
because it hurts too much
to be close to letting go.
that kind of intimacy is only
a comfort to the dying.
Soap dispenses into my palm with a squashing sound
and heralds my arrival to the family.
all eyes shift from the patient to me.
i’m enveloped by the reverent hush.
and my gaze rests on the bedside
where a daughter’s figure curls on the couch.
she’s waiting on guard for the coming wind
to carry Mom away.
and I recall that original spark
inviting me into this sacred space;
the death that ignited
new life within me;
the moment I answered the summons to provide care
and become a doctor.
my why
escorts me back to now
with a nudge
to reach for the hands of mother and daughter
to hold each of their palms in mine
to honor this rite of passage
from first breath to last
as a crucible of living and dying
that connects us all.
She wanted to help people feel comfortable and transform the shame around colon issues. "I want to talk about things that matter, the things people don't want to discuss. I want to help them feel okay talking about it."
When we met, she was coming off a stretch of nine 14-hour shifts. She was tired but in good spirits.
She reflected on how her resilience was born from moments of shared mirth amid life's trying chapters.
“Life is complex and dirty, but digging in is important to me,” she said. “Maybe if more of us understood history, we could understand each other better.”
We are expected to research, contribute to scholarship, earn grants – all on our own time.
We are expected to research, contribute to scholarship, earn grants – all on our own time.
Every day, I try to see through the patient lens, and I ask: what can we do to change this broken system?
She was very proud of her daughter and has hopes for “a bright future that’s as pain free as possible”
“I’m trying to focus on doing little things to make people feel better during everything that’s going on in the world,” she told me.
“It’s hard to see others struggle,” she said. “How can I help with their struggle without struggling myself?”
"I'd tell her it's OK to be loud...it's OK to challenge and to bring all of you into these spaces where no one looks like you..."
“I'm continuously questioning: did I do it right?" she said. "I’ve always done a good amount of second-guessing, but I’m re-learning how to show up differently.”
“It’s weird,” she said. “This is one of the biggest accomplishments of my life, but it doesn’t feel like it.”
"It changed me; It changed the way I look at life," said this woman about her profound experience during her pregnancy.
“It’s been more challenging than normal lately,” she said. “I’m only one person. It's a struggle for me to say no, but I can’t do everything that’s being asked of me right now.”
"I've been processing how to make the most of the small amount of life we have to live," said this physician.
"I've been processing how to make the most of the small amount of life we have to live," said this physician.
“I like feeling small,” he told me. “Nature has always made me feel small.” He described the sense of wonder that feeling gave him.
“I feel like I have decision fatigue,” she told me. It was normal for her to make many choices at work, but COVID had dramatically increased the number of medical decisions she had to make at home.
“I know ‘vibe’ is kind of a nonspecific term, but I think about people’s vibes all the time,” he said.“ Sometimes you come into a room and it’s just off.
This physician discussed being the only one in his practice network with expertise in patients with a specific type of chronic pain.
“Our constituents are uniquely affected by the pandemic,” they said. This poemee was an educational psychologist who spoke about how much they missed working in person with med students, healthcare staff, and medical educators.